the greener grass across the pond

This week, I've been pondering and investigating the life of an actor in London. Not that I have any plans to be one, but on the other hand, it's not out of the realm of possibility for a New York actor with a British husband.
No, it's more the allure of it that I've been trying to parse - why does that grass seem so very green? And more importantly, what can I do to bring those bits to my life?

Of course, I've only been to London on vacation. I've only seen British actors when they're successful, usually on film or TV. I developed an enormous celebrity crush on David Tennant because he plays a charmingly nerdy adventurer with closeups on his gorgeous eyes. And then wanted to be Jessica Hynes when she played his fascinatingly understated love interest being hounded by aliens and sexism. Totally heightened circumstances! Their everyday to-do lists are probably the same mix of boring chores and terrifying auditions/interviews that mine are. But now I've been sucked into the world of backstage diaries and cute little news videos on Shakespearean actors.

Case in point: This video by the Guardian on Fiona Shaw's brain. It's beguilingly brief. The reporter appears as a sweet, friendly man rather than the hard, objective eye most newspeople present. But what gets me is the fact that it all seems so easy. You can practically feel the gray, drizzly air wafting past Ms. Shaw as she stepped out of her London flat, sans makeup or bra, and walked over (okay maybe tubed) to a university. To be examined by scientists who are excited to demonstrate how much she uses her brain.

I live in the citiest of cities, to paraphrase Truman Capote. I go to museums and concerts and plays as often as my little brain desires. I went to a university that prides itself on being in the midst of New York's culture. But I find it hard to imagine anyone here so simply seeking links between art and science. Someone saying, "Hey, I bet actors use their brains in fascinating ways. Why don't we take a morning to find out how? (And then have a nice cup of tea.)" It's not some huge initiative or collaboration. It wouldn't have graphic design or a soundtrack. Just untempered curiosity, and the time to explore it.

Growing up, I was always torn between arts and sciences. Marine biologist or fantasy novelist? Chemical engineer or folk-singer? None of those careers has manifested, but the singer-actor one has stuck. Both art and science require imagination, and a value for exploring and working without knowing the result. And intelligence. Ultimately, my self-expression won out over my analytical side. But then, the sentence I thought only actors from small towns hear was put right in my face. A fellow clarinetist who was headed to a Masters in political science, a girl who'd known me for 6 years, leaned over and said, "But you're so smart! Why would you want to be an actor?"

Lord, was I gratified to find a place to live where creative, driven intellectuals were not a separate community but the standard-bearers of the city. New Yorkers not only discuss philosophy and politics, they bring those references into conversations about work and food and family. And they defend the right to express themselves passionately.

I know, in London, there is a certain disdain for American out-spokenness. It would be a huge culture shock for my barely-restrained bossy-ness if I lived there. But the feeling I get from the interviews of British actors is that they are an incredibly close-knit community. They don't take themselves too seriously, yet they get serious work. They're grateful for their opportunities, but no one thinks it's unusual to do experimental pub theatre one minute and a BBC miniseries the next. They live in a culture where being an intellectual is revered and a well-written script is more important than special effects. I'm not saying those things don't exist in the U.S. And I freely admit I don't know much about being an actor in London. But they make it look so easy.

So what is it that I find so "difficult" about being an American actor? Well, there is a certain reality of enormous competition. And the separation of New York and LA (or even, Manhattan and the other parts of the city) in terms of finding opportunities. But what's really hard to me is how image-centered acting is here. Yes, it's a real factor in London, too, but here it seems like you can't even be noticed unless you approach physical perfection. We all have insecurities about various body parts or facial features, but British actors (and casting directors) seem to care so much less. It takes so much energy for me to feel like I should change something about myself, yet I feel that pressure all the time. I like how I look. But TV doesn't. And until I lose 20 pounds and straighten my hair, nobody's going to see enough of me to be inspired the way I am by Jessica Hynes and Fiona Shaw. Not only that, but even if I do keep those pounds off and learn to conform to a fashionable idea of beauty, there's no guarantee I'll get anywhere. And the energy I spent on my appearance will have taken away from my craft. Or at least that's what I'm afraid of.

So, the answer is, I want to be valued for my brains and my passion, not for my appearance, because it's not nearly so integral as the first two. And in my mind, that's possible in London, but not here. So, I need to fill my heart with American actors who are successful but imperfect. Fill my brain with good writers, and producers/directors who work with good writers. And make my craft the best it can be, just in case someone is looking for the imperfect type.

But maybe I'll keep working on my British dialects, too.

if the world should end

The one bright spot in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is a simple and haunting duet called "If the World Should End." In it, Mary Jane tells Peter that if it was the end of the world (it turns out, there is a terrifying rampage going on at the same time), she'd just want to be with him. Not an original thought, but nicely executed as only music and words can be.
I mention it because I've been reading A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, and I've reached the section where disaster movies are made plausible by scientists' findings. For example, the volcano under Yellowstone is overdue to erupt and drown the whole continent in suffocating ash. Also, asteroids with similarly catastrophic potential cross Earth's orbit regularly, and there's no way we could stop them. The one comfort is that we'd most probably never see it coming, and so be obliterated before we knew what was happening.
Then after easily surviving the first tremor and then hurricane of my life, I went to work at the farmers' market. Where the farmer I've worked for for 7 years told us he and everyone around him was flooded. There will be no pumpkins this year, no fall peas or onions or potatoes. He won't have enough to sell this week. And the rain yesterday has me worried.

A lot of doom & gloom, right?

But, actually, it motivated me. When science has verified that you really have excellent reasons to live every day like it's your last, it has a way of focusing your attention. So I had an overdue conversation with the Mr. about our immediate future, about my fears that I will waste my time in one way or another (a job I hate or procrastinating acting-career moves), and disappoint him. A very serious conversation about money and responsibility, and other uncomfortable, isolating topics. You know his culminating thought, after hours of me pouring my doubts and worries at him? "Well, I think you're extremely talented, and smart and capable, and you can manage to do it all."

"You are all I need,
And all I can defend,
All I need to hold on to,
If the world should end."