This week, I've been pondering and investigating the life of an actor in London. Not that I have any plans to be one, but on the other hand, it's not out of the realm of possibility for a New York actor with a British husband.
No, it's more the allure of it that I've been trying to parse - why does that grass seem so very green? And more importantly, what can I do to bring those bits to my life?
Of course, I've only been to London on vacation. I've only seen British actors when they're successful, usually on film or TV. I developed an enormous celebrity crush on David Tennant because he plays a charmingly nerdy adventurer with closeups on his gorgeous eyes. And then wanted to be Jessica Hynes when she played his fascinatingly understated love interest being hounded by aliens and sexism. Totally heightened circumstances! Their everyday to-do lists are probably the same mix of boring chores and terrifying auditions/interviews that mine are. But now I've been sucked into the world of backstage diaries and cute little news videos on Shakespearean actors.
Case in point: This video by the Guardian on Fiona Shaw's brain. It's beguilingly brief. The reporter appears as a sweet, friendly man rather than the hard, objective eye most newspeople present. But what gets me is the fact that it all seems so easy. You can practically feel the gray, drizzly air wafting past Ms. Shaw as she stepped out of her London flat, sans makeup or bra, and walked over (okay maybe tubed) to a university. To be examined by scientists who are excited to demonstrate how much she uses her brain.
I live in the citiest of cities, to paraphrase Truman Capote. I go to museums and concerts and plays as often as my little brain desires. I went to a university that prides itself on being in the midst of New York's culture. But I find it hard to imagine anyone here so simply seeking links between art and science. Someone saying, "Hey, I bet actors use their brains in fascinating ways. Why don't we take a morning to find out how? (And then have a nice cup of tea.)" It's not some huge initiative or collaboration. It wouldn't have graphic design or a soundtrack. Just untempered curiosity, and the time to explore it.
Growing up, I was always torn between arts and sciences. Marine biologist or fantasy novelist? Chemical engineer or folk-singer? None of those careers has manifested, but the singer-actor one has stuck. Both art and science require imagination, and a value for exploring and working without knowing the result. And intelligence. Ultimately, my self-expression won out over my analytical side. But then, the sentence I thought only actors from small towns hear was put right in my face. A fellow clarinetist who was headed to a Masters in political science, a girl who'd known me for 6 years, leaned over and said, "But you're so smart! Why would you want to be an actor?"
Lord, was I gratified to find a place to live where creative, driven intellectuals were not a separate community but the standard-bearers of the city. New Yorkers not only discuss philosophy and politics, they bring those references into conversations about work and food and family. And they defend the right to express themselves passionately.
I know, in London, there is a certain disdain for American out-spokenness. It would be a huge culture shock for my barely-restrained bossy-ness if I lived there. But the feeling I get from the interviews of British actors is that they are an incredibly close-knit community. They don't take themselves too seriously, yet they get serious work. They're grateful for their opportunities, but no one thinks it's unusual to do experimental pub theatre one minute and a BBC miniseries the next. They live in a culture where being an intellectual is revered and a well-written script is more important than special effects. I'm not saying those things don't exist in the U.S. And I freely admit I don't know much about being an actor in London. But they make it look so easy.
So what is it that I find so "difficult" about being an American actor? Well, there is a certain reality of enormous competition. And the separation of New York and LA (or even, Manhattan and the other parts of the city) in terms of finding opportunities. But what's really hard to me is how image-centered acting is here. Yes, it's a real factor in London, too, but here it seems like you can't even be noticed unless you approach physical perfection. We all have insecurities about various body parts or facial features, but British actors (and casting directors) seem to care so much less. It takes so much energy for me to feel like I should change something about myself, yet I feel that pressure all the time. I like how I look. But TV doesn't. And until I lose 20 pounds and straighten my hair, nobody's going to see enough of me to be inspired the way I am by Jessica Hynes and Fiona Shaw. Not only that, but even if I do keep those pounds off and learn to conform to a fashionable idea of beauty, there's no guarantee I'll get anywhere. And the energy I spent on my appearance will have taken away from my craft. Or at least that's what I'm afraid of.
So, the answer is, I want to be valued for my brains and my passion, not for my appearance, because it's not nearly so integral as the first two. And in my mind, that's possible in London, but not here. So, I need to fill my heart with American actors who are successful but imperfect. Fill my brain with good writers, and producers/directors who work with good writers. And make my craft the best it can be, just in case someone is looking for the imperfect type.
But maybe I'll keep working on my British dialects, too.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
if the world should end
The one bright spot in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is a simple and haunting duet called "If the World Should End." In it, Mary Jane tells Peter that if it was the end of the world (it turns out, there is a terrifying rampage going on at the same time), she'd just want to be with him. Not an original thought, but nicely executed as only music and words can be.
I mention it because I've been reading A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, and I've reached the section where disaster movies are made plausible by scientists' findings. For example, the volcano under Yellowstone is overdue to erupt and drown the whole continent in suffocating ash. Also, asteroids with similarly catastrophic potential cross Earth's orbit regularly, and there's no way we could stop them. The one comfort is that we'd most probably never see it coming, and so be obliterated before we knew what was happening.
Then after easily surviving the first tremor and then hurricane of my life, I went to work at the farmers' market. Where the farmer I've worked for for 7 years told us he and everyone around him was flooded. There will be no pumpkins this year, no fall peas or onions or potatoes. He won't have enough to sell this week. And the rain yesterday has me worried.
A lot of doom & gloom, right?
But, actually, it motivated me. When science has verified that you really have excellent reasons to live every day like it's your last, it has a way of focusing your attention. So I had an overdue conversation with the Mr. about our immediate future, about my fears that I will waste my time in one way or another (a job I hate or procrastinating acting-career moves), and disappoint him. A very serious conversation about money and responsibility, and other uncomfortable, isolating topics. You know his culminating thought, after hours of me pouring my doubts and worries at him? "Well, I think you're extremely talented, and smart and capable, and you can manage to do it all."
"You are all I need,
And all I can defend,
All I need to hold on to,
If the world should end."
I mention it because I've been reading A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, and I've reached the section where disaster movies are made plausible by scientists' findings. For example, the volcano under Yellowstone is overdue to erupt and drown the whole continent in suffocating ash. Also, asteroids with similarly catastrophic potential cross Earth's orbit regularly, and there's no way we could stop them. The one comfort is that we'd most probably never see it coming, and so be obliterated before we knew what was happening.
Then after easily surviving the first tremor and then hurricane of my life, I went to work at the farmers' market. Where the farmer I've worked for for 7 years told us he and everyone around him was flooded. There will be no pumpkins this year, no fall peas or onions or potatoes. He won't have enough to sell this week. And the rain yesterday has me worried.
A lot of doom & gloom, right?
But, actually, it motivated me. When science has verified that you really have excellent reasons to live every day like it's your last, it has a way of focusing your attention. So I had an overdue conversation with the Mr. about our immediate future, about my fears that I will waste my time in one way or another (a job I hate or procrastinating acting-career moves), and disappoint him. A very serious conversation about money and responsibility, and other uncomfortable, isolating topics. You know his culminating thought, after hours of me pouring my doubts and worries at him? "Well, I think you're extremely talented, and smart and capable, and you can manage to do it all."
"You are all I need,
And all I can defend,
All I need to hold on to,
If the world should end."
Monday, August 22, 2011
Not greedy, I promise!
Today, my errands were all about wedding gifts. My wedding gifts.
Wedding gifts are a total free-for-all these days. Brides&grooms don't want to appear greedy, but people want to know what to get you. The couple who's been living together in a small apartment might not want much, but writing checks isn't as fun as thoughtfully shopping. A salesman & I were just saying how you never know how much to spend on a wedding gift, and I can honestly say I have not felt jilted by people who didn't give a gift, or gave a modest check. As Miss Manners says, you decide how much you want to spend to feel like a good host, and your guests decide how much they want to help you create a home and/or life together. It is not a trade-off.
We have been thrilled with everything we got from our registry (and virtually everything not from our registry, too!). But there remained a few items too big or specific for the registry. We got small frames, which are great for wedding photos, but what about the poster and painting we've never gotten framed? We got so many new kitchen supplies, but nowhere to put them! And I forgot to put a new colander on the list.
Thus, the checks come in quite handy, vis a vis, the curtains we put up and the butcher-block kitchen island we now have. And I finally checked off a couple more to-do's today.
The frame for my found-on-the-street-in-2008 Japanese woodcut will cost $200. But it won't look like I found it on the street anymore! In a fit of my notorious indecision, I used my spankin new smartphone to email pics of the options to Mr. Husband. He then didn't receive the email, but left it up to me. Sweet to trust me, but not helping the decision-making! I chose the cheaper but fancier gold frame cuz as long as we were spending that much, it may as well be eye-catching. (Of course, I then opened a Crate & Barrel catalogue and saw that all of their frames are the painted-black wood I would've gotten if it'd been cheaper.)
But anyway, frames? Done.
Crossing the street to the kitchen store, I looked for colanders, but first perused for wedding gifts to give my 5 engaged friends. Being around the corner from our place, I'll be back armed with their registries. The salesman pointed me to the low rack of colanders I didn't see, which unfortunately, convinced me to leave the store, because I knew exactly where the one I wanted was. You see, I'd ruled out the recycled plastic colander for fear it would look, well, cheap. (If you have the excuse to outfit your whole kitchen, you should gets what makes you feel special, I think.) But having seen the lovely plastic ones the store had - the plastic really was a cute option. The one I got? Looks like watermelon, with it's muted red color and teardrop/seed-shaped holes. Plus, it can stand up to the 5 pounds of potatoes I'd had in mind whilst shopping.
So, Colander? Done.
And then, finally, I had thank-yous to send. The post office has these beautiful "Love" stamps with flowers on a teal background that matched our cards perfectly, so I waited in the epic line to get them. Except, they didn't have them. But perfectionism gets you nowhere, right? So, non-matching, too-big stamps are what those cards got. But hopefully, our sincere thanks shows. And now I get to thank more people for what they helped us get today!
Wedding gifts are a total free-for-all these days. Brides&grooms don't want to appear greedy, but people want to know what to get you. The couple who's been living together in a small apartment might not want much, but writing checks isn't as fun as thoughtfully shopping. A salesman & I were just saying how you never know how much to spend on a wedding gift, and I can honestly say I have not felt jilted by people who didn't give a gift, or gave a modest check. As Miss Manners says, you decide how much you want to spend to feel like a good host, and your guests decide how much they want to help you create a home and/or life together. It is not a trade-off.
We have been thrilled with everything we got from our registry (and virtually everything not from our registry, too!). But there remained a few items too big or specific for the registry. We got small frames, which are great for wedding photos, but what about the poster and painting we've never gotten framed? We got so many new kitchen supplies, but nowhere to put them! And I forgot to put a new colander on the list.
Thus, the checks come in quite handy, vis a vis, the curtains we put up and the butcher-block kitchen island we now have. And I finally checked off a couple more to-do's today.
The frame for my found-on-the-street-in-2008 Japanese woodcut will cost $200. But it won't look like I found it on the street anymore! In a fit of my notorious indecision, I used my spankin new smartphone to email pics of the options to Mr. Husband. He then didn't receive the email, but left it up to me. Sweet to trust me, but not helping the decision-making! I chose the cheaper but fancier gold frame cuz as long as we were spending that much, it may as well be eye-catching. (Of course, I then opened a Crate & Barrel catalogue and saw that all of their frames are the painted-black wood I would've gotten if it'd been cheaper.)
But anyway, frames? Done.
Crossing the street to the kitchen store, I looked for colanders, but first perused for wedding gifts to give my 5 engaged friends. Being around the corner from our place, I'll be back armed with their registries. The salesman pointed me to the low rack of colanders I didn't see, which unfortunately, convinced me to leave the store, because I knew exactly where the one I wanted was. You see, I'd ruled out the recycled plastic colander for fear it would look, well, cheap. (If you have the excuse to outfit your whole kitchen, you should gets what makes you feel special, I think.) But having seen the lovely plastic ones the store had - the plastic really was a cute option. The one I got? Looks like watermelon, with it's muted red color and teardrop/seed-shaped holes. Plus, it can stand up to the 5 pounds of potatoes I'd had in mind whilst shopping.
So, Colander? Done.
And then, finally, I had thank-yous to send. The post office has these beautiful "Love" stamps with flowers on a teal background that matched our cards perfectly, so I waited in the epic line to get them. Except, they didn't have them. But perfectionism gets you nowhere, right? So, non-matching, too-big stamps are what those cards got. But hopefully, our sincere thanks shows. And now I get to thank more people for what they helped us get today!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
How much do I care about health?
I care about health a lot. I read about it. I love healthy food. I go to the gym because of it.
But I just lost my wonderfully free government insurance, and now I have to put a price tag on my own health. Turns out, joining my husband's insurance is one of the most expensive options. Looking into it, it seems that our now-combined income is too high to get what I consider reasonably priced insurance. I'm not sure I'll use enough healthcare to be worth $550/month for the rest of my life, and that's a middle-of-the-road rate.
Okay, I thought, people seem to be happy with indemnity insurance. And as it stands, paying for my one prescription and even the odd doctor's visit out-of-pocket is much less than insurance. So I'll just protect against disaster, and that seems to be reasonable.
But today, two unsettling pieces of news popped up:
1) A capable, intelligent friend broke her foot in 2 places by simply dancing around the room - something I do all the time.
And much more serious, 2) a woman I used to baby-sit for, with children still at home, died from a cancer they thought she'd beaten.
Obviously, the second is much scarier, and my heart truly goes out to her family and loved ones.
Of course, now I'm reevaluating. I think the indemnity insurance would cover cancer. But what if it's discovered too late because I don't have regular check-ups? I've already had a slow-growing, non-life-threatening - but still actual - skin cancer. This woman's second cancer was in her spine, where they hadn't even checked.
And then, what happens if I break bones in some stupid way, and suddenly have to pay for something before they'll treat me? (Actually, I don't really know how this works. I've been to the emergency room once, and that was covered by workman's comp. Eventually.)
Or what if I (really not ready for it!) got pregnant, and then my premiums are even higher for OB visits, etc.?
So it's back to the drawing board, trying to find some way of covering regular check-ups without spending my entire yearly income. (I kid you not.)
But I just lost my wonderfully free government insurance, and now I have to put a price tag on my own health. Turns out, joining my husband's insurance is one of the most expensive options. Looking into it, it seems that our now-combined income is too high to get what I consider reasonably priced insurance. I'm not sure I'll use enough healthcare to be worth $550/month for the rest of my life, and that's a middle-of-the-road rate.
Okay, I thought, people seem to be happy with indemnity insurance. And as it stands, paying for my one prescription and even the odd doctor's visit out-of-pocket is much less than insurance. So I'll just protect against disaster, and that seems to be reasonable.
But today, two unsettling pieces of news popped up:
1) A capable, intelligent friend broke her foot in 2 places by simply dancing around the room - something I do all the time.
And much more serious, 2) a woman I used to baby-sit for, with children still at home, died from a cancer they thought she'd beaten.
Obviously, the second is much scarier, and my heart truly goes out to her family and loved ones.
Of course, now I'm reevaluating. I think the indemnity insurance would cover cancer. But what if it's discovered too late because I don't have regular check-ups? I've already had a slow-growing, non-life-threatening - but still actual - skin cancer. This woman's second cancer was in her spine, where they hadn't even checked.
And then, what happens if I break bones in some stupid way, and suddenly have to pay for something before they'll treat me? (Actually, I don't really know how this works. I've been to the emergency room once, and that was covered by workman's comp. Eventually.)
Or what if I (really not ready for it!) got pregnant, and then my premiums are even higher for OB visits, etc.?
So it's back to the drawing board, trying to find some way of covering regular check-ups without spending my entire yearly income. (I kid you not.)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Starter
I love my dad. And he is to the bread of this blog, the yeast.
This might be a rough start. I swear, the writing will get more polished. But at our Backyard BBQ Reception (a/k/a Chicago Reception), my dad says, "Yeah, maybe she needs a blog!" in his so-obvious-I-should've-done-it-already tone. I said, "I don't have anything to blog about," and he actually looked shocked. Well, first sarcastic, then shocked when he realized I was serious.
I guess that "She Should Write" idea has merit, since even though people have praised my travel emails (back in the dark ages of 2004 before I'd heard of blogs), I seemed to think I wasn't worthy of a blog. I have a life outside the blogosphere, though my love of reading and smart, feminist, romantic, creative women has gotten me lost in the interweb's siren song on several occasions. But I travel, I audition, I read, I sell vegetables - I do things people like to hear about.
But enough about me resisting being a writer. I don't like pity-parties, and I don't like reading about how people are good writers - Show, don't tell!
So, here goes.
My life now consists of a fledgeling career in theater, the weddings and adventures of my loves ones, and the experiences fostered by recently marrying a British businessman who loves food & music as much as I do. We live in a 5th-floor walk-up in the prettiest neighborhood in Brooklyn, and we are generally cheerful people. I am a tour guide who's interested in nutrition, environmentalism, art, science, politics, and plants, so this blog may well contain entries on all of those things. Possibly even at once.
Most of all, I'm a sharer, so while I will endeavor to keep personal details out, I hope to share things that I find amazing and/or fascinating. For example, currently simmering in my pressure-cooker brain are posts on the Moon Court at the Met (Museum of Art), the relative merits of butter and olive oil, new gadgets in the camera/music/cooking departments, and fracking, in all its forms.
If you're somehow reading this, see you tomorrow.
This might be a rough start. I swear, the writing will get more polished. But at our Backyard BBQ Reception (a/k/a Chicago Reception), my dad says, "Yeah, maybe she needs a blog!" in his so-obvious-I-should've-done-it-already tone. I said, "I don't have anything to blog about," and he actually looked shocked. Well, first sarcastic, then shocked when he realized I was serious.
I guess that "She Should Write" idea has merit, since even though people have praised my travel emails (back in the dark ages of 2004 before I'd heard of blogs), I seemed to think I wasn't worthy of a blog. I have a life outside the blogosphere, though my love of reading and smart, feminist, romantic, creative women has gotten me lost in the interweb's siren song on several occasions. But I travel, I audition, I read, I sell vegetables - I do things people like to hear about.
But enough about me resisting being a writer. I don't like pity-parties, and I don't like reading about how people are good writers - Show, don't tell!
So, here goes.
My life now consists of a fledgeling career in theater, the weddings and adventures of my loves ones, and the experiences fostered by recently marrying a British businessman who loves food & music as much as I do. We live in a 5th-floor walk-up in the prettiest neighborhood in Brooklyn, and we are generally cheerful people. I am a tour guide who's interested in nutrition, environmentalism, art, science, politics, and plants, so this blog may well contain entries on all of those things. Possibly even at once.
Most of all, I'm a sharer, so while I will endeavor to keep personal details out, I hope to share things that I find amazing and/or fascinating. For example, currently simmering in my pressure-cooker brain are posts on the Moon Court at the Met (Museum of Art), the relative merits of butter and olive oil, new gadgets in the camera/music/cooking departments, and fracking, in all its forms.
If you're somehow reading this, see you tomorrow.
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